Don't Let Church Hurt Steal Your Faith

Church hurt refers to the emotional and spiritual pain that individuals often experience within religious communities. This hurt can stem from various sources, such as harsh criticism, betrayal of trust, or instances of abuse. For many, these experiences can create barriers to spiritual growth and connection with God. Nevertheless, it is possible to overcome these feelings and reclaim your faith.

In this post, we will explore the roots of church hurt, understand its impact, and discuss practical steps to heal and move forward. So take a seat and get comfy, because we are about to get uncomfy.

Understanding Church Hurt

Church hurt can stem from unkind comments, judgmental behaviors, or exclusion, leading to feelings of isolation, rejection, and spiritual disillusionment. This pain can affect individuals, families, and communities, disrupting the fellowship and support faith communities aim to provide.

Church hurt is real, and for many young people, it's a major reason they struggle with faith or hesitate to engage with church again. Whether it's judgement, hypocrisy, leadership failures, or feeling unseen, church wounds can cut deep. The very place meant to bring healing and community can sometimes cause pain instead.

The Emotional and Spiritual Impact

The emotional effects of church hurt can be profound. Beyond the initial sadness or anger, individuals may develop difficulties trusting others, which can extend into personal relationships outside the church.

Spiritually, church hurt can lead to feelings of distance from God. Many question their beliefs or struggle with prayer and worship, and this inner conflict can create a cycle of pain and isolation. A large segment of affected individuals may feel hesitant to re-engage with faith communities due to these lingering doubts.

Acknowledging Your Feelings

The first step to healing is acknowledging the pain. It is normal to feel angry, sad, or betrayed, and accepting these emotions is vital for healing. It’s helpful to spend some quiet time reflecting on why you feel this way. It's okay to grieve what happened and be honest about the disappointment.

Journaling can be an effective method for unpacking your feelings. By documenting your thoughts, you can clarify specific pain points and gain insights into your experiences. For example, noting that a particular sermon made you feel judged can help you address those feelings productively, (this is sort of how my hurt started, except I didn't feel judge... I didn't enjoy the guest preachers little digs at the youth).

Bitterness only prolongs the pain. Healing might involve prayer, counseling, or having honest conversations with those involved. Forgiveness doesn't mean excusing the hurt, but it does mean releasing its hold on you. It's for your peace, not for their approval.

However, it's CRUCIAL to remember that God is not the same as the people who hurt you. While people are flawed, God's character remains constant. He is loving, just, and faithful. When humans fail, God remains trustworthy. The enemy wants to use church hurt to pull you away from your faith, but God wants to use it to draw you closer to him.

Rebuilding Trust

Trust can be challenging to restore after experiencing church hurt. It takes time, but you can start by reevaluating your relationships and identifying those that are healthy and positive.

Here's my take: Take small, deliberate steps to reconnect with your faith community when you are ready. If you have been reading my posts for a while now, I have a post about leaving a church, a post about attending another church and being in awe, and a post about going back to church after a long hiatus.

Attend services at different churches where the atmosphere feels more welcoming. Volunteering in community service projects or participating in small groups can also help you rebuild that sense of connection without overwhelming yourself. Engaging with a community that encourages compassion can foster healing and renewal.

Not all churches are the same. If you've been hurt before, the idea of trusting another church might feel overwhelming. But healthy, Christ-centered communities exist. Look for a church that values transparency, accountability, and grace. If you're already in one, get plugged in through groups and serving. It's in genuine relationships that trust in rebuilt.

Establishing Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries is crucial for recovery from church hurt. It is okay to step away from communities that are toxic or unhelpful.

Boundaries might include limiting your involvement in certain groups or events that trigger painful memories. I used to teach praise dance to the kids at my church pre-COVID, but in Feb 2021 was when I officially knew that I need to stand firm in my boundaries. So I was asked to choreograph a Black History dance. My wheels started turning in my mind about the music and who was going to be involved in the dance. I had the vision to only have two people (an adult and a child), an aunt and niece to be exact. We were holding rehearsals virtually, but the dance was set to be peformed - had the date set and everything. It wasn't until I get a phone call telling me I can't showcase the dance because an adult is in the number. Now if you personally know me, you can imagine my facial expression when hearing that because ???? I asked why. The explanation was "You are supposed to only work with the youth, meaning ages 4-18. No one older." I asked, "So what if I wanted to put myself in the dance, is that allowed or no?" To which the response was, "of course, that's allowed."

NOW MIND YOU - Adults have danced before at my church. And when I say adults, I am talking about 50 years and older. It was never a problem. My whole thing was if I signed a contract stating and agreeing that I can only work with a particular age group, then you have me there. Obviously, I can only work with a certain age group. But that wasn't the case. I wasn't getting paid to do this, nothing was signed, everything was volunteer based.

Going back to the phone call, being told I can't do something and hearing a stupid excuse was not sitting right with me. And also if you know, you know I'm not going down without a fight. So I fought. I called my previous praise dance teacher to get her thoughts (she sided with me), I called my "big sister" who also was a dancer (she sided with me), I called my parents (they sided with me), I called the head Deacon (he didn't side with me... we'll get into this later), I called my Poppy (who is Pastor Emeritus = retired Pastor) and he sided with me, but stated how there isn't much he can do since he is retired, I understood. I called another preacher (he saw both sides, but ultimately said that this fight was silly... I didn't pay him any mind).

So I said we would get into the head Deacon. Yeah... that was probably my breaking point. Words were definitely said on both ends. The end result on that phone call was I quit teaching praise dance (no one has taught dance since I left, by the way) and there was no dance performed for service. He asked if he could pray for me before ending the call, I told him "absolutely not" and hung up. I 100% do not care for or want someone that holds a leadership position that said what he said to me on the phone to pray for me. Ew, no. I personally don't want someone to pray for me whose intentions aren't pure. The words and what they are thinking don't match. The devil can pray too, you know. Ever since that encounter, I haven't talked to that man since. I will say, he does try to have cordial conversations with me when he sees me, but I just keep it short and sweet and keep it moving because I truly don't even want to do small talk with him or the other lady involved (the first phone call).

I say all this to say, clearly communicate your needs to those around you, and gradually engage when you feel ready. This approach allows you to return to community life at your own pace.

Focusing on Personal Growth

During your healing journey, prioritize your spiritual growth on your terms. Engage in prayer, meditation, or Bible study that speaks to your current state. This self-care can help reinforce your sense of connection with God without the pressure of communal expectations.

Consider reading books or listening to podcasts that address healing from church hurt. These resources often provide valuable insights and comfort, helping you navigate your feelings more effectively.

God can redeem even the most painful experiences. He can use what hurt you to shape you, strengthen your faith, and even help others going through the same thing (I created this blog back in 2019 off of church hurt and it has helped numerous people, including myself). Psalm 147:3 says, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." You don't have to walk this journey alone, God is with you, and there are people who genuinely care and want to support you.

Finding Community Elsewhere

If reintegrating into your previous church community proves too difficult, seek out new places of worship that align better with your beliefs and values. Explore options like home churches, spiritual retreats, or faith-based organizations that prioritize acceptance and love.

Joining new communities can reshape your experience. Finding a supportive environment may help restore your faith without the weight of past hurts.

Navigating Your Healing Journey

Church hurt is a complex experience that can significantly affect your faith journey. However, remember that these painful experiences do not need to define your spiritual identity. You have the ability to reclaim your faith by acknowledging your feelings, seeking the right support, and emphasizing personal growth.

God still has a purpose for you within his body. Don't give up on the church because of people - lean into God, and let him lead you toward restoration.

As you make your way through this healing process, practice patience with yourself. Healing is not instantaneous; each step you take brings you closer to hope, restoration, and a renewed sense of faith.

Your journey may be challenging, but with persistence and support, the light of faith can shine through the darkness of hurt.